The Baby Translator

You may not know it, but I'm a renown translator of baby gibberish. I have a bit of a sixth sense, knowing what a baby is thinking and saying, without being able to formulate words. It's like a gift.

I have transcribed for you one of my many encounters of being a baby translator. This one comes from an unnamed male after waking up from a nap. Enjoy.

(Opens eyes, visibly groggy.) I see that large star and moon and still in the sky. I don't understand why they never seem to move, but they are there now. My stomach makes weird noises, I must be hungry. Maybe today I will go out and find a rabbit and forage for some berries. Yes, berries would be nice today. But, where is my bow? Why can't I find my bow? How will I hunt without my bow? Forget it, I will go find a new one.

Wait... what's wrong with my legs? Why do they move around so quickly, but I cannot find a way to stand on them? Oh my God; MY LEGS ARE BROKEN! How am I going to get out of this place and find if any rabbits have tripped my snares or hunt them down with my bow? I know, I will call upon that lady giant, she always has the answers. She is like a mystical oracle; always knowing what I want, and what to say.

(Eyes squeeze together. "Waaah! Waaah!) Lady giant! I request your assistance! I need your help; it appears my legs are broken and I am absolutely famished. Oh good, here she comes. I see a glimpse of the man giant she often walks with. I like him too; he's quite comforting at times. Oh yes! Lady giant, please free me of this bed and bring me to my snares! Oh, and please grab my bow while you're at it.

What? What? Why are you sitting down? What are you doing? Are you pressing me against your breast? Why must you grab my head and... mhmhmhmhmh... Oh... this white liquid is so soothing. It is so sweet. I can't believe how it relieves my stomach pains. I will speak to the man giant when I am done. I am sure he will find my bow and take me to my snares.

Oh, silly me, I have gotten some of this white liquid around my mouth. I would clean it off, but I can't seem to bring my hands to my mouth. It's as if... oh my God; are my arms broken too? OH THE HUMANITY! Lady giant!? Why are you placing me on your shoulder? I demand my bow... stop patting my back like that, it will not help me (Belches loudly).

Amazing. The lady giant has quenched my hunger, and now my stomach no longer pains me. Maybe I will hunt another time. Oh, she seems to be moving me around, pressing my head against her skin. WAIT! I hear something. The gentle rhythm of the drums. I remember that sound. I remember hearing that sound in my dreams. I remember how soft it was, and how it calmed me... it.. always helped... to keep... me... from... (Falls asleep).

(Opens eyes again.) Dammit! That confounded moon and star are still up; and still they have not moved! What kind of sorcery is this? And why can I see sunlight coming in all around me. I will call for the man giant, he will have the answers. Oh... what is going on? There is a crinkling sound all around my bottom. OH MY GOD! THAT THING AROUND MY BOTTOM JUST GOT REALLY WARM! What is happening to me? My stomach is rumbling again... oh my! What is that awful smell? And why does my bottom feel so disgusting? I must call the man giant in here immediately to fix this! (Cries loudly. "Waah! Waah!")

I can't seem to understand these words that stream from my mouth, but the man and lady giants seem quite attuned to my needs. Ah yes, man giant, please fix my bottom. Something appears to have grown beneath me while I stare at this unmoving moon and star.

(On the changing station) MY WORD! What is that awful smell? Why do you lift my bottom that w...! Oh, thank goodness. You have repaired my bottom; I was certain something dreadful was wrong. Yes, please place another one of those cloth things down there. They help to keep the draft out and keep my bottom nice and warm.

Please, help me with my clothing. My arms and legs appear to be broken and I cannot do it myself. What?! What color is that! Wh... m... BLUE! Present me with an appropriate color like red or brown! I cannot go hunting in blue! Ugh... man giant... we will have a serious discussion soon about these clothes you present me - OOH! I love that squeaky noise! Will you please make that noise again? I don't know what it is, but that noise just makes me laugh!

Thank you man giant for clothing and entertaining me. I ask that you bring me to our hunting grounds and I will show you how to be a real man.

I hope this made you smile! :)